Survivor's Guilt?

Timeline:

12.30 a.m., 27^th November '08

CNN-IBN is busy flashing images of the terror at VT. On G-Talk, a friend asks me what's going on. He's just seen a gigantic smoke cloud from his bedroom window at Vile Parle accompanied by an explosion and there's no TV at his place to post him about what's up. The radio's playing mindless Bollywood songs at the time. What's happening? Somehow, I manage to frustrate him by making a big joke out of things, perhaps because I don't want to think of the truth.

And as the night passes into the wee hours of morning, every 10 minutes brings a flurry of activity on CNN-IBN as they rush to film a new location of the terror. Details about what happened and in what order could be found here. This post does not discuss that.

I text everyone I can think of, to warn them and enquire about their whereabouts. A couple of engagements for the next day have to be cancelled because it seems that the cancer is spreading like a forest-fire (it really was a fire at The Taj… black humour at work) and there would be no way Mumbai would not fall. (Even now, next day afternoon, things look bad)

2.15 a.m.:

We're still rooted to our chairs; CNN-IBN is still on. I'm playing Minesweeper to channel out the terror and frustration. And ta-da! The army arrives at the Taj. Finally. After all the mindless polit-speak and news of top-cops being shot down and general bottomless despair.

Jeeps of poker-faced guys driving in, they're obviously trained to hide their fears. It's impossible that one can enter such a situation without fear. Seeing their dutiful descent to a place where everyone expects them to come out tops, it was then that a wall suddenly broke with the force of an explosion. Not at the Taj, but in my mind. It was hard to accept the REALITY of the situation. I'm sure very very few people reading this can identify with that feeling.

It's that bloody sense of unreality all over again. (See earlier post). Like watching a movie. And knowing it's somehow, NOT a movie. It's real. Happening as you watch it. Not some recorded footage that keeps looping itself to earn more TRPs. As I sit in my comfy red chair attempting to create a Facebook record for Minesweeper, troops are marching into The Taj Intercontinental. I was at CST yesterday. The road that I trod just yesterday evening, has blood smattered over it. People DIED there. Not pissed or spat or walked or bought the evening paper. DIED. I wonder how I'll react when I visit the place again next week. It's, in a word, unreal.

3.00 a.m.:

The bad guys have finally realized that they're not getting publicity by wreaking havoc in the middle of the night. They seem to have let up on the 'filmi' stuff like hijacking police cars and driving them about like crazy, firing like a rhino on a rampage. Now they're happy with tormenting hostages inside hotels. Perverts.

Anyway, now we realize it's time to sleep and I've anyway climbed to number 1 on Facebook Minesweeper Tournament rankings.

Dark bedroom. F2. Need sleep. Click. Splitting headache. Clack. I can't get the army images out of my head. Click click. And the image of the burning Taj. Clackety click. Hope the hostages will be fine. Clickety clack. I'm here wrapped warm in my rajai, and there at the Taj, people are fighting for their lives and others' too.

Harry Potter probably feels like this. Many officers in the armed forces probably feel like this. To see your comrades, brothers and loved ones fall before your very eyes and not being able to lift a finger to help. The mines explode. I think I've heard the term before. It's called survivor's guilt. Maybe I need a shrink. Survivor's guilt… F2…

Sick with these thoughts buzzing around my head, I fall into a jerky slumber full of Jabalpur Vehicle Factory jeeps, Minesweeper high scores and gore.

There. That feels so much better. So I finally realized what my blog is for. Exploring my thoughts and venting them out. Sort of like a diary. I haven't been in the mood to blog in ages since my exams got over. An emotional upheaval gave me the force to move my inertial backside and update this space. Stay tuned for more.

Signing off

El Buscador