'Hype'rmarts for Mankind

Last evening Mom made The Proclamation of Doom that we'd be going (gasp! shriek) SHOPPING!!! A seemingly innocent name for the hours of endless sifting through stuff you may or may not need in your living life, choosing all the shiny stuff and then going home with all the shiny stuff just so that you can throw it away later into a highly unshiny heap of junk.But there was nothing to it. " At least we aren't going clothes-shopping", I pacified myself, reminding myself rather painfully of all the times when I've sprouted new ear hair while trying on 'n->infinity' number of outfits and parading for mom to see. Aargh. Well we're out on an innocent grocery trip to (ABCD/ABC)-Mart. "Might even be able to glean a coupla goodies to eat from the dreary trip".

How right I was.

On mom's agenda was a couple of summer drinks,a brand new kitchen apron and a bunch of notebooks for myself. Sounds innocent right? Yup.

As we enter The Mart, we are enveloped by all the shiny things on display... Gaudy colourful signs proclaiming free samples, free batteries, free juice, free underwear free this, free that, free the consumer... sighhh... Bring on the shopping cart...

One product proudly announced.. Rs. 8 off!! And the ectual MRP of Rs. 375 was conveniently written in small print somewhere at the bottom of the cheap plastic pack. Yet another crowdpuller was the pyramid of Barf washing powder.. "Now in a new Click Top storage Box..." I gingerly tested it " Ooh yeah baby!The box snaps shut with a satisying ">clikk<". What a reason to want to buy the pack. Sigh. Next..

And then there was light... We walked past the food aisle... Tons over tons of Smoodles, pasta, Snickers, Haldirams' ogling at me, beckoning with those smouldering 'come-hither' looks. And I finally gave in when I saw the Pringles aisle. " I must be in heaven!" I thought. Mom came along and picked up the adjacent pack of a competing Indian brand and the next ten minutes were spent arguing over the cost-effectiveness and quality of the two brands, which, by the way, would probably taste the same.

The argument yielded in favour of the younger debater and I happily added the Pringles box to the...
shopping cart.
THE SHOPPING CART??!!! Wow, it was overflowing already, with all manner of goodies and groceries except the said summer drinks, notebooks and the apron. Next up was the beverages aisle where we were utterly spoilt for choice. By the end of a gruelling 20 minutes, we had 4 different summer drinks in the cart.

After having picked up a number of other things on the way, including a fake Rudraksha bracelet, we were at the stationary aisle. Surprise surprise...
A4 size long books out of stock. Hmm...

After another Aisle Adventure where we picked up a volley of soaps and sorry's and swearing from fellow shoppers cuz' of the heavy unsteerable cart; we were at the aprons counter and guess again... "We're out of aprons Ma'am, sorry!" AAARRRGGHH...

And then we make our way to the checkout line with our tails between our legs, defeated that we got just one out of the targeted three things to buy.
But so what?? There are another 15 things in the trolley, smiling up at us waiting for the red LASER Light of Enlightenment that would signify their coming out of the Mart...
.
.
.
.

As I heave my way out of the rickshaw at my building lobby, I can but marvel at the way these marts function. The weight of the 5 white and blue polythene bags really makes the point leaving no room for speculation. Heave ho.. Just wanted to buy those 3 items and came away with ... heave .. such a huge caravan of stuff ... why doesn't the lift come down soon... Blah blah blah.

You see, this is what I call real Marketing Skills. Market the stuff to the poor unsuspecting victim in such a way that he is absolutely COMPELLED to purchase your products. Talk about mass hypnotism and Derren Brown Principles and all that... So that's how these wholesalers work... Hmm.. Market by mass, not by price. Interesting.

Let's try this out...
Let's hype up education to the extent that people will be COMPELLED to educate their kids. Let's make it more interesting, more intriguing, more desirable, more shiny. Introduce novel learning methods, cutting edge technology, non human teachers, fun and games, free perks and chocolates to the underprivileged so that kids won't be able to resist school.

Or let's hype up the ill-effects of smoking, or the beautiful world of non-conventional energy sources, or the magic of helping out a poor and deserving child...

If hype's the way to go, let's create a hyped up 'consumer market' for the higher things in life. Let's make sure the 'consumer' gets more by doing a good turn to someone else. Let's provide incentives for doing a good turn, however small it may be. After all drops of water an ocean make.

Let's make this world a better place to live in, and not just fall over each other to snatch the last offer pack of Muesli from the shelf of that mart.
Amen.



TRIVIA OF THE DAY: March 22nd 2008 was (is, if you're reading this today) Holi, the time for extravagant balloon bursting, iridiscent outrageous gulal, the woks. "Sure I know that", you say. But do you know this? March 22 is also World Water Day. I'm not saying, don't play Holi. Just a resolution to reduce your daily consumption by even 10% on your own part will make a huge difference to this world. (Yeah! I'm a good Samaritan, baby!).

Check this out. Kids are dying w/o water

Engliss izh a vhairy phunny langvage, no?

What? You did not think that I was joking when I wrote this title for my newest post, no? I hope not, my friend. Because I am declaring this new post in dedication to the brand new dialect of the English language that we Indians love to call as the Hinglish or Indian or Standard English, as the Times of India was kind enough to christen it.

Who was thinking that the Queen's language would reach such a turning point that it would loose it's Anglicised videshi feel and be moulded into such a form where even the glaring mistakes of the English that we Indians sometimes talk are forgiven for the greater benefits of the earth in general?
For exampulle, when those poor unsuspecting firangs give a ring to the call centres that are flowering in our respected nation, they are appalled by the Engliss isspoken by the employees and are more often than not, not able to understand what we just sayed (=said). Like the Marathi Manoos who sayzh dhhat whee whill call you backs whith avhar rayzhponzh. Or the Mallu who keeps yinsisstingg that you staee wonn tha laeen, becauce your coll iss yimporrtand to yess. I am sure, dear reader, that you also can keep on adding to this list.

Means whaaat?? To try and understand our pathetic English, the whole world will modify their way of talking or what? Haan?? I am not suggesting that this is not possible saheb, merely thaa..aaat, it is pure absurdity. I am thinking that it makes sense to try and improve our own manner of speaking, rather than expecting the whole globe to be trying to understand our ishtyle.
Think like this sir. If the British people were to announce that they are going to go to modify the Hindi or the Sanskrit languages, I am sure that it would have sparked off the large scale protests all over India, maybe even the world! You get my point na? Then why to interfere? Stay put, learn their language properly, respect it. But yah, you can try to make them learn to speak our languages and learn to respect them also. Sanskrit is already widely acclaimed as a very scientific and logical langvage. The firangs are respecting it. Then why do we not respect their language in turn. Live and Let Live, our great Bapuji used to say...

But then too, if you don't agree with me, then just imagine what will be happening in the schools and classrooms?? Already the teachers are very confused about whether to give the full marks for the long essay or not... After all, the student A had written the tenses all correctly, but now with the new English Standards, even what that other student B is writing is correct that way na?? "So I will giu both the students the marks." Rezhult : Student B never studied for the English paper, wrote the colloquial stuff he talks and scores the same as poor "I'm-a-thoroughbred-Brit-since-childhood" Student A. So much for the marks mania gripping high schools...

And if you still don't believe me, then come and attend our maths lectures in college and you will be the enlightenments. If you are the knowed then laugh, if not knowed then thank God, you are the lucky one.

Anyhow, I am getting too appalled by the nonsense I have written this far. My sincerest apologies to all my English teachers, however good or bad they may have been, even more heartfelt apologies to Meenakshi Aunty. If you ever read this, Aunty, a zillion sorries to you. All along I could hear your voice reprimanding me for all the wrong tense usage and unnecessary emphases and blah this blah that.

With all due apologies, I do hereby reject the blatant Indianisation of the Queen's language with a BIG SIZE no! It's most certainly NOT up my alley.

And yah, lait uzh rename The Times of India as "The Times of Yedyas"...

Oh well, Buscador signing off yet again, will be back for more grouses and gripes later.

P.S. Lheev me yuuar vhyuzh in tha comments saykshun and we can have a good discushun regarding this "aham masla". (That's Urdu there, wanna go figure?)

IN MEMORIAM

This post is dedicated to the loving memory of my favourite plectrum, which I unwittingly left at the music store when I went to get my G-string replaced (not THAT g-string, my guitar's G-string).

May my dear plectrum find peace and solace in the heavenly abode of all cheap green plastic thingies. Amen